WillowNymph's Dedicant Journal
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Thursday, March 8, 2007
For now the holiday has the name familiar to me, it will be changed to reflect the tradition.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Grounding
Statement of Purpose: to honour the dragons and thank them for all they've done over the year, make new oaths if necessary
Honour:
- Tiamat
- dragons of light
- chaos dragons
- dragons of fire
- dragons of water
- dragons of air
- dragons of earth
- your guardian dragon(s)
Main Offering
Omen/Blessing Cup ***
Main working
- guardian meditation: spend time with your guardian, finding out what your next lesson will be
- charge a touch stone/charm**
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
** The touch stone/charm will be an object you can hold and meditate with when you feel alone and powerless. It'll serve as a reminder of the power of the dragons and that you are never truly alone.
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
For now the holiday has the name familiar to me, it will be changed to reflect the tradition.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Attune to water
Statement of Purpose: to honour the dragons of water and spend time in reflection of ourselves
Honour dragons of water
Main Offering
Omen/Blessing Cup
Main working
- reflecting pool meditation, see yourself as they see you, what would they have you work on?
- spend time reflecting on what was said
- make an oath to fix it (infuse an object with what needs fixed and burn it)
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
For now the holiday has the name familiar to me, it will be changed to reflect the tradition.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Grounding
Statement of Purpose: to honour all dragons, purify ourselves and consecrate our ritual tools
Honour all dragons *
Main Offering
- ourselves in dedication to the path (purification)
Omen/Blessing Cup
Main working
- Draconic Blessing (consecrate our ritual tools)
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
* either a general offering to all dragons or individual offerings to each type. I'm leaning towards the general offering cause consecrating all tools will take awhile.
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
For now the holiday has the name familiar to me, it will be changed to reflect the tradition.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Grounding- spring time
Statement of Purpose: to honour Tiamat* as the mother creator of all
Honour Tiamat
Main Offering
- lots of flowers, fruits, veggies
Omen/Blessing Cup***
Main working
- Think of what you want to accomplish this year
- infuse an egg/see/nut with the wish and plant it
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
* Tiamat is essentially the draconic earth goddess. She created the earth when she died: half of her body became the ground, half of her body became the sky and her blood became the water.
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
For now the holiday has the name familiar to me, it will be changed to reflect the tradition.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Attune to Fire
Statement of Purpose: to honour the dragons of fire and the earth being at peak fertility
Honour dragons of fire
Main Offering
- something we created (song, dance, art, movement, etc)
Omen/Blessing Cup
Main working
- Fire meditation to find creativity or a fertility message
- make offering to ignite the passion to follow through with the message
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
For now the holiday has the name familiar to me, it will be changed to reflect the tradition.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Attune to Light
Statement of Purpose: To honur the light dragons and healing
Honour the dragons of light
Main Offering
Omen/Blessing Cup
Main working
- think of someone who needs healing, meditate on them
- healing ritual
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
Obviosuly we will rename the holidays to reflect more his tradition, but for now they are named how I know them lol.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Attune to the earth/forests
Statement of Purpose: here we will be honouring the dragons of earth, the harvest and since it's an auspicus time for challenges, see if the earth dragons have something for us to work on.
Honour the Dragons of earth
Main Offering
- grains and harvest
Omen/Blessing Cup ***
Main working
- forest meditation (find a new challenge)
- acknowledge the challenge and swear an oath to complete it
Re-attune, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
The holiday will be renamed to reflect the tradition, but for now it has the name that's familiar to me.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Attune to the Darkness
Statement of Purpose: to honour the chaos dragons and to honour the earth's descent into darkness.
Honour the Chaos Dragons
Main Offering
Omen/Blessing Cup
Main working
- burn unresolved issues
- meditation where you spend time in the chaotic mists from which all life comes
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
Call to Rite (3x3 chimes)
Cast Circle
Call Quarters
Attune to Tiamat
Statement of Purpose
Honour Tiamat
Main Offering (flowers, grains, fruits)
Omen/Blessing Cup
Main working
- Meditation with Tiamat, resulting in a message from her
Re-ground, Give back excess energy
Dismiss Quarters
Close Circle
End Rite (3x3 chimes)
*** the omen/blessing cup will be done one of two ways:
- take the omen with three questions (what brings us, how was offering received, what lessons do you have), have three tealights surrounding the chalice, light each one as you speak of each omen and what they mean, charge the wine with the blessings
- take the omen with one question (what lesson do you have) then have three carved tea lights (carved with the elemental runes) surrounding the chalice, light each one with reflections on receiving blessings from the elementals.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
This is the outline for a circle casting I have been working on for a little bit. The basic idea here is to invoke the elements and draconic guardians while casting the circle. Basically combining the circle casting and quarters parts of the rite. Here is an image so it'll be easier to follow. This is meant to be for me as a solitary casting, but can be altered to work with other people, I'm not sure if it'd work for a group or not. Due to it's deep meaning to me I left out some parts of the invocations, but you'll get the idea. (mind you I have no experience in ceremonial magick or any kind of system that requires either the circle casting nor the quarters).
To begin with each candle will be carved with the appropriate rune and be of the appropriate color (white, black, dark blue, light blue, red, and green).
Start at the altar and work your way around the circle in an invoking pentagram.
Light the white candle "Li'aan, dragons of light, bring your healing light and keep at bay those who would harm us"
Light the green candle "Ninathen, dragons of earth, bring stability and grounding to this rite"
Light the dark blue candle "Ra, dragons of water, wash away any ill will, and bring us the serenity of the sea"
Light the light blue candle "Mah, dragons of air, sweep away mental blocks and grant us knowledge"
Light the red candle "Li, dragons of fire, purify us with your fire and protect us in our rite"
Light the black candle then grab the sword in your power hand and incense in the other. walk the circle dragging the tip of the sword to draw the circle. As you do this envision dark flames shooting from the sword, onto the ground and encasing the circle in a protective shroud "Liwaen, dragons of chaos, destroy all that would harm us and envelop us in a protective shroud"
Return to your altar, raise the sword high "By dragon power, this circle is sealed."
(in draconic magick the chaos dragons and light dragons are always called together at all rites to bring a balance of dark and light energies. the chaos dragons will destroy something so that the light dragons can create something else from it)
omg I spent 98% of my time over the span of four days working on the Clan's materials for this meeting that was supposed to happen on Mon. Well I spent all of Thurs through Mon working on various things (dates for rituals, re-defining pagan holidays to match our tradition, coming up with an informational booklet, etc). From Saturday when I got home from droping my man off at work (11.30am) till Monday around 4pm I worked on the holidays and ritual dates. This was straight work, no sleep and only breaking for food and to drive to work at night (and tend to customers obviously). It's Monday and time for the meeting. I got everything together, I was caffienated, I was ready to go. We got there and I guess some lines of communication got crossed cause the guy didnt show up, or so we thought. We were there from 7.15p (the meeting was supposed to be at 7.30) to 7.50p, no sign of him so we left. He calls me up later that day (as I was driving to work, i called him back when i got there) to tell me that he was pissed at us for standing him up cause he was there from 7.30-8.30. I guess he went inside the coffee shop and we were waiting on the outside deck, I told David to tell him to go outside lol. I was already pissed cause I was awake over 48 hrs and didn't feel like dealing with someone's attitude so I kind of went off on him. I was like "I stayed up over 48 hrs straight to work on materials for you so we could get started right away, get there, and we had to leave just before 8 cause i was getting ill and needed to rest a little before going to work. I worked very hard to get stuff for you and don't appreciate this disregard for my work, nor my sacrifice of health...." Needles s to say, we don't have a new member cause he isn't interested in the group anymore due to that mix up and I sacrificed a lot for what feels like no reason. But I was surprized to find out how much I had known and how much I learned just from working on what I did. Guess my fiancee is a better teacher than I thought he'd be. Guess this is a lesson in keep on pushing ahead no matter what happens. And a good lesson in pacing yourself lol. Anything worth doing is always difficult ;)
Monday, March 5, 2007
These are the moons and meanings that we are going to be celebrating. This is the toughest part of finding what to do for group rituals ^.^;;;
Moons and Their Meanings Full Moons: January ~ Earth ~ Capricorn - time for introspection February ~ Air ~ Aquarius - time for growth and looking towards the future, good time to set goals March ~ Water ~ Pisces - time to be realistic about life decisions April ~ Fire ~ Aries - time to look at your life and restore its balance May ~ Earth ~ Taurus - time for communication and recommitting yourself to your path June ~ Air ~ Gemini - time to strengthen your weaknesses July ~ Water ~ Cancer - time to relax and enjoy the weather August ~ Fire ~ Leo - time for celebration with those who are close to you September ~ Earth ~ Virgo - time for organizing and preparing for the coming months October ~ Air ~ Libra - time to seek inner peace and truth November ~ Water ~ Scorpio - time for healing and communication December ~ Fire ~ Sagittarius - time for rebirth Dark Moons In Aquarius (16 Feb) - explores the unseen, introduction to the spirits and elementals - air is a breath In Pisces (17 Mar) - explores time, freeing yourself from the constraints of time - water is a drop In Aries (16 Apr) - explores identity - fire is a spark In Taurus (15 May) - explores body (movement, sex, what you do/don’t like, etc) - earth is soil In Gemini (13 Jun) - explores knowledge - air is wind In Cancer (13 Jul) - explores emotion and shedding guilt/shame - water is a stream In Leo (11 Aug) - explores risk; to take a chance, to dare, to fail/succeed, looking at fear and success differently. - Fire is a flame In Virgo (10 Sep) - explores silence - earth is a mountain In Libra (10 Oct) - explores descent - air is a storm In Scorpio (08 Nov) - explores intuition - water is a tidal wave In Sagittarius (08 Dec) - explores creativity - fire is a wildfire In Capricorn (08 Dec) - explores power, what it means to have it and how to use it correctly - earth is an earthquake In Arachne - it is the Dark
(these will be renamed and revamped to have a more draconic focus as the months go on) Samhain Dragon(s) Honoured: All Dragons Holiday Meaning: Samhain is a time for honoring our ancestors, the noble dead. It’s also the pagan New Year and beginning of the dark half of the year. Draconic Focus: Offer to all the dragons for their help, guidance, lessons and healing over the past year, and make offerings for guidance and protection for the coming year. Clan Workings: A meal is prepared and left for the ancestors. Maybe have a meditation to meet with an ancestor or guardian dragon. (?) Yule Dragon(s) Honoured: Blue Dragons Holiday Meaning: Yule is a time of reflection on the past year. Draconic Focus: We will be working with the blue dragons and the element of water. Clan Workings: Offer, through burning, all the issues that need resolved from the past year. Have a meditation where we work with a reflecting pool to learn about ourselves and see what lesson we should learn for this ritual. Imbolc Dragon(s) Honoured: All Dragons Holiday Meaning: Imbolc is a time of purification and consecration, traditionally done through fire. Draconic Focus: Purification through dragon fire (?) Clan Workings: We will purify ourselves and consecrate our ritual tools. Ostara Dragon(s) Honoured: Tiamat Holiday Meaning: Ostara is a celebration of spring and the first signs of fertility. Draconic Focus: We will be honouring Tiamat as mother creator to us all through offerings to the earth. Clan Workings: This is a good time to plant seeds of hope for the future. Beálteinne Dragon(s) Honoured: Red Dragons Holiday Meaning: Beálteinne is a time of fertility. The sexual energies of the earth and its inhabitants is at their peaks. Traditionally people leaped through fire for purification and fertility. It is the beginning of the light half of the year. Draconic Focus: We will be honouring red dragons and the element of fire. Clan Workings: Fire meditation and purification…. I would like to work more with movement and music for this one. Midsummer Dragon(s) Honoured: Light Dragons Holiday Meaning: Midsummer is a time to honour the sun and focus on healing. Draconic Focus: We will be honouring the light dragons and focusing on healing and all that is good. Clan Workings: This would be a good time for healing spells and general good workings. Lughnassadh Dragon(s) Honoured: Green Dragons Holiday Meaning: Honour the god of the harvest and celebrate the harvest season. It is also a great time for marriages, new oaths/contracts, new positions and new challenges. Draconic Focus: We will be honouring green dragons and the element earth. Clan Workings: Forest meditation, feast using foods grown as part of local harvest, grain offerings. Mabon Dragon(s) Honoured: Chaos Dragons Holiday Meaning: It is the celebration of the end of the harvest. It is also a time to honour the earth descending into darkness. It is a time to resolve issues from the previous year so you can spend the dark half of the year in reflection. Draconic Focus: We will be honouring the chaos dragons and the element of darkness. Clan Workings: we will spend time exploring and working in the mists of creation. Spending time with darkness and destroying/resolving anything we need to resolve. Birth of Tiamat Dragon(s) Honoured: Tiamat Holiday Meaning: A day to celebrate Tiamat’s birth Draconic Focus: Honouring Tiamat Clan Workings: no clue.
Friday, March 2, 2007
As of last night my mate and I are forming a dragon magick clan, Clan of the NiteDragon. Because most of the ancient practice of draconic magick has been lost over the years and most of what is found now-a-days is draconic wicca, it's been an interesting time trying to build our foundations. Basically the group will be dragon magick focused, not a religious system. It's a continuation of the practice as handed down to him through his family line. He'll be teaching the system as was taught to him by his grandfather.
Last night he had me trying to "fill in the gaps" with a stripped version of my practice. For instance, in his system they don't have the 8 neo-pagan holidays, there is only really 4 or 5. He wants me to find a draconic practice for each of the holidays, thus stripping out the religious aspects of them for the clan's purposes.
It's good that draconic and druidic mesh so well. It made it relatively easy to get most of the work done for our first meeting. But also I can keep my druidic religious practice and integrate draconic magick. I may have a subpart of the group for druidic rites on the high days if they chose, I don't know. It's weird cause I've never been in a "high prietess" position before. I am not a high priestess of the system, but I'm effectively the leader's wife and co-founder of the group so I guess that puts me in the position, esp since he said that we will be the ones with distinctive attire lol.
I think this will be a good experience in both leadership and spiritual growth. I'm being put in a position to learn, teach, and lead... nothing but good can come out of it. This will be interesting to see how this will altar my work with the dp and practice as it stands.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
(things in italics are things that happened physically or extra information)
Date: 26 Jan 2007
Time: 17.30
Duration: 30 mins
Type: visualization
Reason: none
Surroundings: low light room, david was across from me on the computer, music was playing (Teriyaki Boys, j-pop style music)
Body Position: leaning back against the wall on the bed, knees up, hands at my side, fully comfy and relaxed with a big fluffy pillow behind me.
Meditation:
The day began out alright, but turned stressful part way through it. I got pissed enough to kill someone. After a bit I was able to quell the rage, but had residual aggression left over. When David came home from work I decided to chill on the bed. I had no intentions of meditating, I just wanted to relax and maybe go to sleep. I closed my eyes and started to just breath and found myself slipping into a trance. Instead of fighting it I just let myself go.
Everything was black. My thoughts started to seep in. Instead of dwelling on them I let them go and they took the form of cherry blossoms. Before me slowly appeared this large cherry blossom tree against a crystal blue sky. I watched as the petals fell from the tree, fluttering down onto a stream below and float off. I bent down and touched the cool water. As the water ran through my fingers I could feel a calm start to flow over me. My eyes followed the petals on their journey down the stream and after a time my body followed.
The stream lead me through a cypress grove. The morning light filtered through the leaves and illuminated the residual morning fog that slithered at my feet. I walked deeper into the grove and could hear faint reptilian noises. The grove opened up to a clearing with a 20 foot cliff at the one end. I followed the stream as it head to and over the cliff creating a small water fall. I climbed down the cliff face to the base of the water fall. I disrobed and walked into the water fall. As the water ran over my bossom and down my body it took with it all frustration and tension as it cleansed my skin.
When I felt absolute serenity I stepped out slightly from the fall to smooth my hair back and wipe the water from my eyes. I noticed a faint red glow coming from behind the water. I walked through the water and found myself in a tunnel. The air was cold against my skin and the walls/floor cool to the touch. A breeze came from behind me, bringing with it a chill that caused the hair on my skin to rise. Lured by the light and urged by the breeze I started to walk towards the glow. There was a soft orangish glow that danced on the walls of the tunnel. They were glistening like twinkling stars. Upon closer inspection, I saw that they had inlets of onyx and darker crystals. As I got closer to the light I could feel the surroundings get warmer.
The tunnel opened up to a large cavern. There was a red luminescent lake in the center of the cavern, to the right of the lake was a stone altar with sparse ritual supplies on it, and to the right of that was a small bonfire (these are all from my already established inner magickal altar). I felt the familiar pull to go into the lake. I stood at the shore of the lake and looked into it. I saw the dark almost Asian reflection looking back at me. My hair was long and black, greyish skin, and red reptilian eyes. I slowly walked forward immersing myself totally into the water and swam across the lake. I could feel an energy flux and warming sensation.
When I emerged on the other side I was in my familiar dark, shadowy draconic form, the one I had always been more comfortable in from the beginning. I looked around the cavern and saw my guardian sitting by the altar. He had seemed glad to be with me once again. We came towards each other and greeted one another with the affection of kin. When came in contact with each other there was an intense golden light with radiating red and black areas running through it. (at this point my body heated up, my eyes were blinded, I felt a weightless/flying feeling and my head felt like it was on fire. This is also where David spoke to me and broke my trance.)
Reaction/Musings: There was a definite difference from my normal meditations. This time it was during the morning (instead of under a fiery sunset), the trees and surroundings were normal (instead of being all black and twisted with leathery skin where the bark should be), and the entry into trance was way different. Much more calming and let me be able to go through the journey without the interference of unwanted emotions (either good or bad).
The appearance of the petals on the stream drifting away was a much more effective way to manage stray thoughts. The following the stream into a cleansing waterfall completely got rid of baggage emotions. I think this might be a technique I will try to use more often in the future.
My appearances (both in human and draconic form) were the ones that have been appearing for years from when I was a teen until now. There was a period of time in college where I didn’t acknowledge meditation or anything remotely religious to me so I packed it all away in the deepest reaches of my mind. Once I started back with meditations a few years ago the visages were still there, in a more adult form of course.
I really wish I could have found out what was going to happen after/during the light. I realize now that I need to retrain my meditation so that I can do it with and without distractions again. I must get back into the regular practice of meditation to strengthen my abilities and to bond more with my guardian. We’ve lost touch the past few months since I haven’t been doing my regular meditations to bond with him.
The past few days have been interesting to say the least.
Sunday early morning while at work I kept getting pulled into the astral by my true form. She is more than a bit pissed cause this other dragon is trying to take our mate. Everytime I would get pulled into the astral it would be on a battleground covered in dark mist. Out of the mist I would come a magnificant black dragon, and I would launch an attack on that bitch of a blue dragon that's trying to take my mate. The encounter would go until she submitted and the arena was covered in her blood. I would give my warning "Continue to speak to my mate and you will forefit your life". The blue would go away and I'd be given control again. This happened at least 20 times over the course of the night totally draining me of my engery.
Upon my return to my home I couldn't sleep, even though I would be next to my mate, because everytime I would try to fall asleep I'd get pulled into the battle arena for another encounter. My inner self is not happy. She came to the surface Sunday before I left for work and about caused a rift between David and I. For one he hates black dragons so I have been trying to keep the stealth on so he doesn't find out and two he hates that I would think he was cheating on me cause the person in question is from Germany. Germany or not my inner self loathed her with all the murderous rage a black dragon posesses as soon as she saw her first message to him "hi"... before I saw how they talk, before I knew who they were to eachother, just from the im name. And I can't say that about anyone else I've ever encountered.
Last night at work I was once again pulled to the astral, this time just to sit in a misty swamp area and chill. Once David called me to talk a bit before he went to bed I feel back into the astral once more to lay next to that beautiful white dragon of mine. All this made me so late in doing my job cause by the time I came to it was 5.30am and I still hadn't done anything. Luckily there wasn't many transactions for me to write down so all was good lol. I was all caught up within 30 mins (paperwork, money and breakfast).
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Further Reflections on it:
My sensai was reitterating today how everything happens for a reason: all bad, all good, everything happens for a reason. I got to thinking that maybe this issue with the intruder is coming around to kind of force my training. My spiritual self is almost fully awake and needs to work on her powers and I have to learn how to control her. Maybe this is a way to fully learn that
I have been at an impass for about a year now. I have been questioning if I truly belong in ADF for many reasons. For one the past six months or so I've been working with another system that seems more a kin to me. It would almost seem like it would fit into ADF or at least meld with it... but in talking to a few veterans of ADF I'm starting to think it won't. I understand that within the realms of personal practice this stuff shouldn't matter, but for some reason it feels like it does.
~ The beings I'm working with are mostly from IE, but there are a good majority who are from asia and the mesopotamian areas. Again it's personal practice, so this part probablly doesn't matter much.
~ I have never been very comfortable with worship based practices, I don't know it seems to be a pattern with me since I've been a kid. Like I don't feel very "right/proper/good" about doing devotionals or living a religious kind of life (blessing my food, giving thanks to water, praising the ground I walk on daily, etc). For some reason those acts feel wrong. It's not that I have issues giving honour to the beings/deities I'm working with, but when the rites are full blown praise I have issues with it. I don't feel I belong.
~ I seem more comfortable with the darker aspects of things. For instance I have no problems working with Outdwellers (both in not banning them from my rites and in invoking them for specific purposes). Actually in talking with many members of ADF and some hard core recons, I find that many think those beings are Outdwellers. I have no problem with *blood* sacrifices, I don't have issues with vengence when I feel it's justified, I really don't have issues with death being an option for punishment. With the more feral of the neopagan holidays I am very much at home, but the ones devoted to healing/light I feel kind of like an outsider. For most of the rites I've been attending since my spiritual self awoken I've felt a big need to get out of the rite as soon as they invoke the protector. Kind of like a "you don't belong here" feeling. Don't get me wrong I do work with a level of healing, I'm not all "evil".
~ I don't really see a good/evil, light/dark kind of world. I see the dance among the shades of gray so to speak. I don't see any being as having 100% of either good or evil. Each being no matter how good/evil they are can exhibit qualities of the other side of the coin, even if it's only .000001% To me that's not being 100% good/evil. To be honest I don't really see an "evil" side as it exsists in society today. For me the most important thing is not balancing the two light and dark sides nor is it trying to erradicate one or the other; it's moving among and working with the different shades/chaotic mists that are created between them. No matter how dark I feel or how much I wish to off someone, the love I have for my man keeps me in a state of being somewhat grounded. There will always be that little glimpse of good/light energy that'll keep the dance going.
One person who I consider my brother and a very dear friend to me put it this way... since I work with Outdwellers at all and these beings (who he considered Outdwellers) that I wasn't totally aligned with the Tuatha De Dannan and because I straddle the fence it shows disrespect those deities and in turn harms the relationship of the whole grove/organization becuase of it. He suggested I go solitary with my practice.
Another close friend of mine told me that my personal practice is just that, personal. So in retrospect it shouldn't matter what I do in my personal practice as long as the public rites are ADF.
Does this fit into the realm of ADF? I don't know, only the elders and meditation will tell me where to go with it. I treasure the friends I've found in ADF and the time spent here. No matter what happens I'll always keep it and them in a place in my heart.
Current mood:  confused
Friday, August 11, 2006
It was not as powerful for me as it could have been, I was much distracted due to having to get to work. I couldn't stay in trance that well. I will be revisiting that trance journey soon once my mind settles a little more.
In the rite I kept seeing a talon. I assumed it was related to my wanting to do my own art business. One of our grovies made a prayer for a deity that deals with dreams to give us a message (very losely put).
When I got to work I noticed I kept getting sleepy and was having troubles staying in the now. Once home I was able to lay down and sleep. While asleep I kept getting the strangest images, they were shadows of images really. I got the feeling that more would be revealed when I was ready to receive it. One of the times I woke up I had a vision of my ivy vines forming into a humanoid form and handing me this leather bound book. I quickly shut my eyes to go back to sleep. Once alseep I had a dream that I took the book from the humanoid ivy vine/maybe a representation of a deity? and went to read it. I opened the book and a massive power was released (beam of light, wind, the whole nine yards). That's about the time my mom woke me up to ask me something. I haven't been able to get back to sleep due to a burning need to create and take care of things. I need to organize myself a little more so I don't burn out on all this inspiration and confidence.
Current mood:  pensive
During my full moon rite last night one of the many messages I got was to look to my datura for lessons on life. Our omen was furtile soil, the growth of something beautiful from a seed. My datura went through a lot of hardships early on as a seedling (mold infestation a couple times, being knocked over and spilled onto the floor, getting too dry, etc) and he is now a very healthy, fast growing plant. He got knocked down, kicked, almost died, and yet he is thriving due to determination and the loving attention I give him.
This seems to be a message that I have many seeds planted in me and if I keep tending to them and nurturing them they will grow into beautiful fruition, no matter how many hardships they go through.
One of my fave quotes has always been "The mighty oak is an acorn that stood it's ground"
Current mood: contemplative
Here lately I have been putting in a lot of thought to ritual and invocations. First off I should mention what I have. I am borderline with sociopathic and anti-social tendancies. Basically it boils down to explosive temper with short fuse, self-injury (although I haven't done it in a couple years), homicidal thoughts (not acted on), and many friendships made cause they are of use to me (not all, I do keep a couple close friends). No I am not medicated. I saw a couple therapists back home and they couldn't find a pill cocktail to suppress it without making me completely apathetic or sick. So in leiu of meds I have been using martial arts, meditation, dancing, and the gods to help me control my condition. It's been doing well thus far, but I have noticed some trends though.
In trance (wether it's in seated or moving) I seem to attract unkind spirits. Not like I don't always have some kind of spirit around me, I have had their attention since I was little. But I had a few incidences where I had really hostile ones come to me in trance, thankfully never out of trance though. But when I journey inwards to work in my inner nemeton it's always black and red (the colours of my patron goddess) and looks like something out of Tim Burton's worst nightmare. I am never scared, always at peace when I am there... just something I noted.
Also after some contemplation of my last public ritual I think I pin pointed my issues with invocations. I think my inability to connect with people on a spiritual level keeps me from connecting to the powers I am invoking (unless it's one of my "darker" rites where I use the outdwellers or when invoking a deity who represents primal aspects- war, sexuality, death, etc). For example at many rites I am called to invoke the Ancestors. I don't have an ancestor connection cause I was abused and blacksheeped growing up with virtually no ancestrial support. There are a few ancestors (from long ago) who help me out in ritual, but I don't have the ancestor/child relationship with them I should. I notice that when I write my invocations they seem to reflect that distance and lack the understanding that should be there. The inability for me to make that connection seems to be keeping me from my full potential as a druid.
Maybe I should take some lessons from the love I feel for a few of my closest friends and use that to heal the rift between me and the powers. Or maybe this is a case where I should be doing more devotional work to them to develop that connection. I'll be creating many little altars when I can get the time to start working on developing my spirituality more. Right now I am pulled in so many directions that I don't feel I can do enough work with the spirits and have it be meaningful enough. It feels like "mighty kindred, i honour you here with this _____, thank you for your support, now I have to run to class/work". It's not that short and I am sure it's appreciated, but still doesn't feel like enough. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself again.
Current mood: contemplative
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